Happy Birthday Iraq “War”! Wow, 5 years old. Off to kindergarten soon! We are all pulling for you as you have trouble learning lessons, getting to the point, and completing anything in an organized fashion.

5 years old. Ya know, they say things get better with age and by golly that really is not the case here. Give it time though. Maybe by the time you are 20 or 30, you will have sprouted into a respectable, peaceful “War” that keeps to itself. But that would really go against everything you stand for, wouldn’t it?

Your mommy Cheney and daddy Dubbya must be so proud of you. And I bet you have some beaming grandparents over at Halliburton. You certainly have made quite a name for yourself at only 5 years old. Most are learning the basics of sharing, shapes, math and the like. But you’ve managed to create a black hole of sorts - and endless well of violence, poorly spent money and needless civilian and military deaths! Wow - just wow. Really impressive. I can tell you are aspiring to go “nuclear” as they say. Ooh, I hope that didn’t sound bad - It’s a good thing right? Isn’t that what all the kids are saying with their text’ed messages on their fancy I-Funs?

Ah memories. I remember when your mom and dad told the world the wanted to have you as their “War”. It’s funny - they had a lot of support from their 2nd cousins in the House and Senate, but it seems like they don’t want to have a thing to do with the support they gave your mom and dad. Not a lot of people understand, really. Why your mother and father have so much love and support for you - even sending in more people to help you along - people just don’t get it. Such is life. As I said, hopefully one day you’ll grow into a peaceful, non-existant “War”…

Just know that this was about as sarcastic as I can be at 8am with no coffee in me. I 110% do not support the supposed “War” in iRock. I feel betrayed as a US citizen. I feel lied to and I feel used. Now we are in a hole we dug ourselves and Dubbya bought the shovels.

Also, I put War in quotes as I personally don’t call it a war anymore. Wars end, and by the look at my half-empty glass, I unfortunately don’t see this ending. I still hope it will, however.